Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
