i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
