Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
