i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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