I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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