Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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