I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
