If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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