If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
