i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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