remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Randomize
