Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
