I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
