just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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