So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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