So drunk its hurt
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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