I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
