the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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