having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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