I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I faked an abortion last night.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
