She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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