my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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