he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
