Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
