alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
