In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
