WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
