Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
