too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
