Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
