I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
