Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
