I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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