I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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