The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
