I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
