I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
