last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
