Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
