Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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