I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
