I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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