its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
