whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
