He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
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You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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