I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
