If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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