the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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