then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
