I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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