dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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