You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
