can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
