What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
