I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
