Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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