I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
