Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize
