I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
