Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
