You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
